South Park Commander Deck · 100 Proxy Cards · MTG EDH · Respect My Authoritah

A fully custom South Park Magic proxy Commander deck, ready to play straight out of the envelope: 100 proxy cards with original artworks, built around a small mountain town in Colorado where four nine-year-olds are the only people with any judgement, one of them dies every week, and the adults adopt whatever the current panic is within a single afternoon. This is a Rakdos (B/R) deck led by Eric Cartman, Respect My Authoritah.

Why Rakdos? Red is the town: every plot in this place starts with somebody doing the loudest available thing immediately and reasoning about it never. Black is Cartman — the scheme, the grudge, the money and a nine-year-old's complete absence of a floor. There is no white because the moral arrives in the last ninety seconds and is forgotten by the next episode; no blue because nobody here has ever thought anything through; and no green because the only natural force in town is Mr. Hankey.

Targeted power level: Bracket 4 — Sol Ring, Mana Crypt, Ancient Tomb, Demonic Tutor, Vampiric Tutor, Terminate, Toxic Deluge, Blasphemous Act, and two combos that end a game the turn the plan finally comes together.

Deck Strategy

The three phases is the original mechanic, and it is not a counter, a trigger or a keyword — it is a hand-building constraint. Cards carry one of three ability words: Phase 1 —, Phase 2 — and Phase 3 —. Each does something small on its own. Cast one of each in the same turn and the deck pays out: Cartman reads whenever you cast your third spell each turn, if you've cast a Phase 1 spell, a Phase 2 spell and a Phase 3 spell this turn, draw three cards, each opponent loses 3 life, and create three Treasure tokens, and The Underpants Gnomes read the same condition for two more cards. The joke is the business plan with a question mark for step two, and the mechanic is built the same way: Phase 2 cards are deliberately the weakest cards in the deck on their own. They are the tax you pay to collect, and half the tension is drawing Phase 1 and Phase 3 and having nothing to put in between.

Kenny is the second mechanic, and note that it is not a keyword. One legendary creature with a forced clock: at the beginning of your end step, sacrifice Kenny McCormick. Return it to the battlefield tapped at the beginning of your next upkeep. He dies every turn without asking, comes back every turn, drains each opponent for 1 and draws you a card each time he goes, and eleven cards in the deck are paid on the death rather than on the body. It is a single guaranteed death per turn cycle that you cannot switch off and would not want to.

The two halves need each other. A creature dying every turn without you spending anything is exactly the free Phase 2 trigger the plan is missing — Oh My God, They Killed Kenny is a one-mana Phase 2 instant that sacrifices a creature to draw two and drain two, and it is very often the middle number.

• The three enchantments that name the plan — Phase One: Collect Underpants makes a Treasure for every Phase 1 spell, Phase Two: ? makes your Phase 2 spells cost {1} less and turns Treasures into cards, and Phase Three: Profit drains 4 and draws 2 at every end step where all three phases were cast.
• The cast — Stan, Kyle, Kenny, Butters and Professor Chaos, Wendy Testaburger, Jimmy and Timmy, Craig and Tweek, plus the town: Randy Marsh, Mr. Garrison, Chef, Mr. Mackey, Officer Barbrady, PC Principal, Principal Victoria, Sheila Broflovski, Terrance and Phillip, Towelie, Mr. Hankey, ManBearPig, Satan, Scott Tenorman, the Underpants Gnomes, Shelly, Ike, Big Gay Al, Tolkien Black, Jesus and the Woodland Critters.
• The removal package — Terminate, Chaos Warp, Toxic Deluge and Blasphemous Act, alongside the custom Respect My Authoritah (steal a creature, untap it, haste and menace until end of turn), Scott Tenorman's Revenge (each opponent sacrifices a creature, then loses 5 life and you draw three if you have already cast a Phase 1 and a Phase 2 this turn) and And It's Gone. Cartman's Authoritah taxes the defending player {2} per spell whenever the equipped creature attacks.
• Two combos. Kenny McCormick + Mr. Hankey + any Phase 1: Hankey changes the return from your next upkeep to the beginning of the end step, so Kenny comes back inside the same step and dies again immediately. Each loop is a death trigger — a card and a point of drain — and with The Underpants Gnomes on board each Phase spell is also a Treasure, so the loop pays for itself and stops only when you decide it does. Professor Chaos + Scott Tenorman's Revenge: Chaos copies the last spell you cast this turn, and the Revenge is a Phase 3 sorcery that reads the phases you cast this turn — copying it re-reads the same three and doubles the payout, twice over if you have the mana.
• Content boundary, deliberately drawn — the deck is built from the town, the schemes and the disasters. It does not reproduce the show's slurs or its shock gags. Satire of the adults' behaviour, not of the targets they pick.

Thirty-five lands, and they are the places rather than a mana base: South Park itself, the bus stop, South Park Elementary, Tom's Rhinoplasty, Stark's Pond, Tegridy Farms, Casa Bonita, the Gnomes' Cavern, Hell's Pass Hospital and the Gates of Hell, on top of Command Tower, Ancient Tomb, City of Brass, Blood Crypt and Castle Locthwain. Three tokens — Citizen, Gnome and Treasure — come in the box. Average mana value 2.55, the lowest in the line, because the deck needs to cast three spells in one turn.